Healing from narcissistic abuse

Like many aspects of my marriage, I sensed something was deeply wrong with how our money was being handled, but I didn’t know what to do. Before getting married, I had a job I loved as a bartender—it paid well, and I had great coworkers and regulars. But early in our relationship, Dennis, my husband, began expressing concern about my alcohol consumption. He claimed it was ruining our relationship and that my job was toxic and dangerous. Wanting to believe he was trying to help, I quit my job at his urging, becoming a stay-at-home wife. That was the first of my many nearly fatal mistakes.

At first, we were financially stable. Dennis was working almost full-time, plus he had a substantial amount of money coming in from the VA. But just a month later, Dennis quit his job, and we decided to live off his VA benefits, which should have been more than enough. However, the money quickly started disappearing, and we were soon dipping into the money in my savings, something that was never the plan. I had to cover bills, groceries, and other necessities when the money ran out halfway through the month. To this day, I believe Dennis was gambling it away.

Around Christmas last year, my family gave me a generous gift, replenishing my savings, but it was soon depleted again. I grew anxious about my future and began selling plasma to avoid draining my account further. But Dennis discouraged that, promising to give me money—promises he rarely kept. For a while, I had access to our shared bank account, but if I upset Dennis, he would punish me by taking away my bank card. Eventually, he closed the joint account and opened a new one in his name only. It was then I realized I was a victim of financial abuse, but I still failed to recognize the full extent of the manipulation.

The abuse finally led to the collapse of our marriage. I had begun to understand that I was trapped in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. One day, after yet another instance of future faking, where Dennis promised to pay me back for bills and groceries I bought for his apartment, only to find new excuses, the stress became so high, I became instantly violently ill. I threw up on the bedroom floor. I knew I had reached my breaking point, my rock bottom. I called my parents in tears, asking for their help so I could leave Dennis. It was a humbling moment, but they were there for me, and they saved my life. I couldn’t endure the financial abuse any longer.

To anyone reading this, please learn from my story. Narcissistic financial abuse doesn’t go away—it only worsens until it breaks you. If you see the red flags, pay attention. Don’t allow it to continue. You deserve better. Listen to your heart, and seek help before it’s too late.

Here’s a list of some things to be aware of, or read the full article from Domestic Shelters.org

• Sabotages employment opportunities.
• Forbids their partner from working.
• Controls how money is spent.
• Denies their partner direct access to bank accounts.
• Gives their partner an “allowance.”
• Forces a partner to write bad checks or file fraudulent tax returns.
• Runs up large debts on joint accounts without their partner’s permission.
• Forces a partner to work in the family business without pay.
• Refuses to pay bills for accounts that are in a partner’s name in order to ruin your credit.
• Forces a partner to turn over paychecks or public benefits checks.
• Forces a partner to account for all money spent by showing receipts.
• Applies for credit accounts using a partner’s name and personal information.
• Withholds money for basic necessities like food, clothing, medication and housing.
• Spends money on himself or herself but doesn’t allow a partner to do the same.
• Expects something in return after giving presents or paying for things. 
• Forces a partner to work while he or she does not and yet still controls all the money.

P.S. After Dennis saw this blog, he was understandably upset. He told a friend that he plans to take legal action and hurt me financially. Oddly enough, this made me happy to hear as it completely validated my experience—it showed me that financial control was always his tactic. It’s almost amusing, though, since he left me with just a few hundred dollars, I’m not really sure what money he thinks he can get from me. *shrug*