For most of my marriage, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. It felt like abuse, but how could that be? My husband loved me so much—why would he abuse me? The world is full of people carrying past traumas, hurts, and disappointments that haven’t healed, so I couldn’t believe someone could be so deliberately cruel. He wasn’t being cruel, he was just broken, I needed to be kind and understanding and patient. I refused to believe my own partner was manipulating me, trying to control every aspect of my life, or punishing me for behavior he didn’t like. It seemed so inhuman, so monstrous—yet, that’s exactly what was happening.
Just a few months ago, I was in bad shape, physically and mentally. My health was deteriorating rapidly. I was at my lowest weight in over 10 years, and I was so stressed that I would get sick at just the thought of eating. After just one year of marriage, new wrinkles began to form on my face. My bright, friendly, smiling eyes were gone, and my eyelids drooped, almost as if my body didn’t want me to see what was happening to me. I spent most of my days in bed, nearly catatonic. My body was still healing from a shingles outbreak, which I believe was triggered by the chronic stress I was enduring. At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong.
I don’t feel like I’m exaggerating when I say I came across a YouTube video that saved my life. It was called WATCH OUT for these 4 signs you are dating a narcissist by Dr. Ramani. This video illuminated what was happening in my relationship. If any of what I’ve described resonates with you, I strongly encourage you to watch her video.
The four signs were:
- Future Faking – This is when a narcissist promises to fulfill your desires in the future to get what they want in the present.
- Gaslighting – A form of psychological abuse where someone causes you to question your sanity, memories, or perception of reality.
- You Feel Embarrassed by Their Behavior – They act in ways that make you uncomfortable or ashamed in social settings.
- They Punish You – They retaliate against you for behaviors they don’t like.
Seeing this list hit me like a ton of bricks. Every word Dr. Ramani said resonated—it was as if she were describing exactly what I was going through. For example, I didn’t even know there was a term for “Future Faking,” yet she perfectly described what my husband was doing. My life had become one big future fake. My bank account was drained from all the times I was told, “Just pay from your savings, and I’ll pay you back when my VA check gets deposited/when I get a job/when I go to the bank.” I foolishly believed him, even after he did this to me repeatedly. This very website is one of the things he future faked me on. He asked me to build him a website for his political campaign, promising to pay me back for my time and expenses. The domain, hosting, time spent building his website, the photoshoots, the time and money I spent designing and ordering business cards and promotional material for his campaign. “I’ll pay you back for all of it, I promise.” I have yet to be paid a dime for any of the work I did for his campaign.
I forgive myself, though, because understanding the second sign, gaslighting, showed me how narcissists manipulate your mind and make you question your own reality. I found a helpful video explaining 12 different forms of gaslighting:
- Persistent denial
- Selective amnesia
- Trivialization
- Projection
- Love bombing
- Guilt-tripping
- Distorting reality
- Twisting truth
- Gaslighting by proxy
- Scapegoating
- Exploiting vulnerabilities
- Creating chaos
I feel like I experienced every one of these forms of gaslighting, but the most insidious was probably love bombing. When I first started dating Dennis, it was the best relationship I had ever been in. It felt perfect in every way, and I had no hesitation marrying him after only three months. He was the man of my dreams. Sadly, this was an act. Shortly after we got married, I began to see a different side of him. The anger surfaced. He became jealous and angry when I spent time with friends. The control started. I refused to believe the man of my dreams was trying to control me and manipulate me—it was impossible to comprehend. So, I thought the problem must be me. I tried to change. I tried harder. But it was never enough. I could never be good enough, loyal enough, adoring enough, loving enough, obedient enough, or generous enough. It was never enough.
As for being embarrassed by his behavior, I experienced this in many ways. Mostly, it was his constant need to talk about himself in nearly every social situation. He would brag about his perceived accomplishments, telling people how he jumped out of airplanes and shot people at every opportunity he could find. Despite asking him privately not to monopolize conversations, he continued, to the point that I became embarrassed to go out with him. He also shared things I told him in confidence with my friends, people at my old job, and fellow members of ourToastmasters club. He even made up lies about me, such as claiming I was having an affair with one of my friends! I was, and to some degree still am, embarrassed by his behavior.
This ties into the last point: punishment. I was punished for almost everything I did that didn’t meet his exact liking. This also connected to future faking, but sometimes with a different spin—what we called “Indian giving” as kids. He would give something, only to take it back later. This happened countless times. Gifts of money were literally taken from my wallet. He removed me from the bank account. Promises of future activities were canceled. My 40th birthday dinner was called off. He even signed over the title of his old car to me, then demanded it back, telling me that I didn’t return it, he would go to the DMV and report that I stole it from him.
With this new perspective, I began to see my marriage differently. I was being controlled. I was being manipulated. This was abuse. All those unsettling feelings I had were telling me the truth. I wasn’t crazy, as I had been told so many times before. Well, maybe I was going crazy—but if I had listened to my gut long ago, this might never have happened.